No, I didn’t fall off the face of the Earth.
I’ve been here, the whole time, navigating the tumultuous waters of
aggressively dating to have finally found a port in relationship-ville. Yes.
You read that correctly… I am in a relationship. The one thing that I was
pretty adamant that I didn’t want yet
here I am. And it’s a rotating sphere of happy, anxious, doubt, and comfort.
You know, pretty much life.
So, to fill you in between last time and the
present…
After determining that I wasn’t interested in
random hook-ups but still terrified of the all-in serious relationship, I set
my sights on that elusive unicorn known as the “Friends with Benefits.” It’s a
great dynamic, in concept. Nothing too heavy, light on the expectations, just
find someone that you have enough in common with that you can hang out and do
stuff with, and then do other stuff
with them, too. None of that “meet the friends and family” stress, bypass the
“first date impress me” crap, all of the benefits of having a significant other
without the “where is this going” significance. Notice I said that this was
great in concept. Stay with me, here…
The field was eventually narrowed down to two. I
began talking to them both around the same time – within a few weeks of one
another. The distinct difference between them is that I met one of them face to face
almost immediately and, the other… let’s just say that there were control
issues at play that caused an undue delay in the IRL meet-up. As I began to spend
more time with my new friend, it became clear that we had a lot in common. We
love the same shows, enjoy a lot of the same movies, both hate people, both
generally prefer a night in rather than some elaborate evening on the town.
Being with him was easy and comfortable. I mean, even my cats and dogs liked
him (and he liked them, too, especially Wahlberg, his new feline BFF). I looked forward to seeing
him and, without really admitting it to myself, missed him when we weren’t
together. We were seeing each other just about every day. Mind you, we both
went into this with the strict intention of being just friends… friends who
also, you know, get it in.
Because I haven’t had an honest, real
relationship in my entire adult life, I was unsure how to determine where his
feelings were and felt too insecure to ask – so I did a lot of ignoring my own
feelings as they developed. I also attempted to pull away, emotionally
speaking, by continuing to text with (and eventually meet) the other guy. He,
too, was not interested in a traditional “relationship,” which was fine with
me. And then, all at once, it happened. I finally met the other guy. (As an aside, my FWB and I were very open about this part; he knew I continued to talk to and occasionally see other guys.)
It felt
like a long time in the making. It was overwhelming and exciting, and it was
clear that the dynamic was (would be?) different than what I had going on with
my existing FWB. We didn’t seem to have nearly as much in common, outside of
cake (if you’re sitting here wondering wtf cake has to do with anything, please
refer to my last post, it’ll make more sense), but that somehow seemed safer in
the face of those feelings I was developing and stuffing away for the other
guy. It seemed less emotionally charged and, therefore, not as much as an overall risk.
So, I found myself faced with a decision. Turn
back the dial with my FWB in an attempt to convert our thing back to just
friends in order to explore this new thing with the other guy, or stop lying to
myself that I didn’t have feelings for my first friend, have an adult
conversation about it with him at the risk of ruining things or – maybe even
more terrifying – knowingly label what we have as an actual relationship and
commit to everything that comes with it.
I’ll spare y’all the details of the decision
making process. I certainly didn’t get through it alone. I have my confidantes
who were admittedly sick of hearing about it all as I worked through it.
Obviously, based on the beginning of this post, you can surmise that I chose
relationship over FWB.
Turns out, the discussion I was dreading
actually started earlier than I thought, even if I didn’t recognize it for what
it was. Little jokey comments about jealousy, knowing that wasn’t “part of the deal”
or anything that had been anticipated, should have been signs for me that he
was “catching feels” right along with me. I shoved a lot of my own feelings
away so it was easy to ignore what he was throwing off, too. We were being
totally ridiculous, and then we decided not be ridiculous anymore.
It was official, we were together. As we began to
tell people, it became clear that we were the only two people who didn’t know
we had been in a relationship for a while. And here we are, a month and a half
(give or take) post-ridiculousness, and – overall, day to day – nothing is
different. We still see each other just about every day. There are overnights
every weekend. There are the Saturday night trips to the 24-hour Meijer for
energy drinks and junk food. We still have to watch The Challenge: 30 on MTV
every week and make fun of the crappy contestants together. He got me to finally
watch Rick and Morty, and I freakin’ LOVE it! (IT’S PICKLE RICK!) I even
stepped out of my comfort zone and went to a Milwaukee Brewers game with him
last weekend. That part of being a couple is easy-peasy, we had that shit down
already.
I’m not gonna lie and say that it’s all unicorns
farting rainbows, though. This is really my first relationship as an
adult and, because I'm not sure how to relationship, I am intermittently questioning and evaluating where it isn’t necessary.
Basically, I’m having a hard time just going with the flow and letting things
happen. It’s not all the time, but it hits me every now and again. I’m learning
that it’s better to talk it out with him than to silently freak the fuck out about it, hoping
it passes. He’s very patient with that part of me and doesn’t make me feel bad for
occasionally going all girl-brain about all this shit. He’s a great guy, and I feel
incredibly lucky to have found him. He’s smart, freakin’ adorable (don’t let
him tell you otherwise), hilariously funny, caring, and kind.
I don’t know why I fought against it. Fear,
mostly. Fear of the unknown, fear of being emotionally vulnerable, fear of
getting hurt. But just look at me now… apparently, I’m premium girlfriend
material and I just didn’t know it. My crystal ball is still in the shop, so I
don’t have a hard line on what the future looks like for us, but I’m glad I’m
all-in. I haven’t been this happy in a very, very long time. Relationship looks
good on me. Wish us luck, y’all!