Thursday, March 27, 2014

Romantic Comedies are Not Funny

What do I even want?  I sit and watch HBO series, Lifetime Original movies, dramas, comedies and thrillers.  A very small percentage of these doesn't portray a female lead either pursuing or already in a romantic relationship.  Whether it's direct or subliminal, I am constantly feeling that my life is less than it’s supposed to be because I am single and not dating.  I find myself wanting to move to a new city, start smoking cigarettes again and date Adam Sackler, Harry Goldfarb, Derek Vineyard (pre-prison) or Jesse Pinkman (Google them if you aren't familiar, they certainly aren't your typical "bring home to Mom" kind of guys).  Not the actors who portray these characters but the actual characters themselves.  Intellectually, I understand that these men are creations of someone's imagination but that doesn't make me want to be with them any less.  I want that slightly unstable, unpredictable guy who will run through the night, shirtless and without shoes, to come and hold me because I'm freaking out about something completely inconsequential even though I say I'm fine.

Hollywood has made even the most dysfunctional relationship appealing.  Why would I want to become involved with a recovering drug addict who still deals his own vice?  Many would say it's a combination of Aaron Paul's obvious good looks and the way the character is written to be the softie with a hard edge, perpetually trying to do the right thing while not being afraid to kill someone...if it came to that.  I think it's more than that for though.  I've been married, cheated on and divorced.  I've also been the “girlfriend”, for lack of a better label.  Being the "girlfriend" was much more exciting and difficult to get over when it inevitably ended.  The "boyfriend" wasn't exceptionally good looking; he didn't have a great job or a lot of money.  He wasn't even that nice to me.  What he did have was a fleeting interest in me.  And I was all in, fast.  It lasted years and I ate up every lie I was fed.  "Sex is the only way I know how to show you that I love you."  "I wish I could stay all night."  "I've never done anything like this before."  "We don't even sleep in the same bed anymore."  "There's only you."  It took a close friend to verbalize what I already knew, I wasn't the first or even the only one at that time and he was never leaving his wife.  Regardless of the truth being thrown in my face, getting over that "relationship" was still one of the hardest things I've had to do.  Even after he admitted that he was also seeing other women, my heart still wanted to be with him.  Luckily my mind objected and I worked through the heartache on my own.  Even now, almost ten years later, I will find myself suddenly thinking about him for no apparent reason.  Somehow, I want to blame every single romantic comedy for the feeling that not only is a shitty relationship better than no relationship but also for the nagging thought that it will just work out in the end because it was meant to be.  I guess it doesn't matter that in real life there was never any catchy pop music soundtrack or slow motion for added effect (I don't count what played out in my head).

Every romantic relationship I've been in has been unhealthy and has ended badly.  Why would I even entertain the idea of doing it again?  The old adage "You can't love someone until you love yourself" seems to have at least a modicum of truth.  Or is it "How can someone love you if you can't love yourself?"  Maybe that's RuPaul.  Anyway, the point is, I'm not sure if I love myself.  There are things I love about myself but I don't think that's the same thing because there are more things that I dislike about myself.  My rational mind says that if the negatives are greater in number than the positives then I must not like myself very much.  But none of that prevents me from thinking that I want "that special someone" in my life.
 
Despite my sketchy relationship history and feelings about myself, I joined Match a few months ago.  $76.46 was the cost of six months of possibility.  Less than half way through and it feels like money wasted.  1622.  That's the number of times I've been evaluated.  Thirteen.  That's the number of times I met their standards.  I love math; that's a ratio of 13:1622, or 0.8%.  Let's not even talk about the fact that out of those thirteen men, none of them made it past the messaging stage because I discovered that there are a lot of creepy guys out there.  I actually amended my profile with the final disclaimer that anyone looking for a booty call or to try out a fat girl fetish needs to keep looking because I'm not into either of those scenes.  So apparently $76.46 =/> a complete breakdown of self-esteem and feelings of rejection.  Do you know how many bags of Jay's Hot Stuff chips I could've purchased with $76.46?  And of course, Match doesn't give refunds - ever.  I'll use up the remaining months of my membership but I will not hold out much hope and I will not pay for another six month.  Hell, I don't even want the six months they offer for free if you don't find a match in the first six months!

So, what do I want?  I want to be thin and rich and the love of someone's life, not necessarily in that order, but I want it all, effortlessly, by the time I wake up tomorrow morning.

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