Friday, June 20, 2014

Aging Ungracefully: In the Words of my Mom

I'm delighted to welcome a guest speaker to my blog today.  She can really tell a story and thankfully, it seems it may be hereditary.  Aging is inevitable and with it, comes a battery of "life experiences" that you can either wallow in and resign yourself to become "elderly" -or- you can choose to swear at yourself, laugh and get on with living.  It helps if you have someone to relay these adventures in aging to, a good audience, if you will.  Ladies and gentleman....I'd like to introduce you to my mom (I do have pictures of her but I fear that if I put it up here on the interwebs, she would never speak to me again so here's a picture what I anticipate I'll look like at my mother's age....awesome):

This is NOT my mother.....
 
Aging Ungracefully 
by Gloria Mentecki

              Just to be clear; until my daughter started her own blog I didn’t really know anything about “blogs” and wasn’t interested in learning.  At my age learning something new only makes me want to lie down.  There isn’t enough room in my brain to try and stuff more in there.  As it is, if I try to do that it means something has to go and my memory isn’t what it used to be; after all I am going on 73. 

               So with those facts in mind and (ugh) knowing how old I am I’d like to tell you how it is to get old.  Mind you, in my head, I’m still 16.  Periodically I’m brought down to earth like when someone calls me Ma’am, or if someone offers to help me up a flight of stairs, or if I can’t remember a really hard word like “flat” or the name of a flower (all yellow flowers are now called “yellies"), or the name of those things that surround a word in a sentence: ( ), etc. 

               With these things in mind I feel compelled to tell you about something that happened to me yesterday.  I was sitting on the love seat watching TV when I heard the UPS truck pull up (yes it has a special sound like my grandson’s car has a special sound).  I lifted myself up a little (that required more strength than you know) and turned to look out the window.  I was right, it was the UPS truck and the UPS guy was getting out, walking towards my house carrying a rather large Styrofoam package which I recognized as my prescriptions being delivered from my mail order pharmacy. 

               My ex, who lives downstairs, usually retrieves anything from UPS and brings it upstairs but I didn’t know if he was home.  So I hefted myself off the love seat and walked to my apartment door with the intention of going down the stairs to get the package myself.  I have to admit that I’m slow owing to two knee replacements (let’s not even consider being overweight). 

               I opened my apartment door and began my descent when I heard voices and realized that it was the ex talking to the UPS guy.  I should have just gone back upstairs and let him bring the package up but I heard the ex say he thought he heard my door close.  Knowing that he knew I was coming downstairs I decided against going back up (it seemed sneaky somehow).  I continued my descent slowly…it takes longer to go down the stairs than it takes to climb up.  Don’t ask me why it just does.  I remember in the days past that I could take the steps two at a time.  When was that anyway; too long ago to remember, but I digress. 

               My stairway curves to the left for the bottom three steps and I negotiated them successfully (Thought I was going to say that I fell didn’t you?) and landed on the approach in front of the ex’s door.  I turned to the left to retrieve my package, forgetting that there was one more step down to the door.  I knew I had made an error when I stepped off that step to nothing but air.  I think I made some kind of guttural sound as I fell to my knees (oh no!  My artificial knees!)  In that millisecond I pictured bones sticking out through my skin.  Now I know why folks say their lives passed before their eyes.  The brain works in mysterious ways. 

                  I threw my arms out in front of myself to try and break my fall and landed hard on my stomach with a loud “oof” as the weight of the fall inadvertently expelled my breath from my lungs. The ex slammed back against the open door to get out of my way.  I must have also skidded forward because I landed right at Mr. UPS’s feet.  For all I know he may have had to take a step back.  As I righted myself to sit on the top step of the basement steps I heard that word associated with age..are you alright Ma’am?!!! 

               Too humiliated and embarrassed to look at Mr. UPS, I mumbled something unintelligible that must have indicated I was OK because Mr. UPS said “take care” and the ex took my package upstairs.  I sat there wondering how the hell I was going to get up when the ex came back downstairs and asked me if I could get up by myself.  I responded “no” meekly and he came over in front of me to help me stand up.  Now the humiliation of all humiliations...it took him 2 tries to get me up!   It must have been quite an eye opener for him to realize how heavy I had gotten. 

               So that’s one of the perks of getting old.  Get ready for humiliation and embarrassment; they come with the territory.  By the way, I didn’t break anything, no skinned knees, and I didn’t even have a bruise except, of course, my ego.

1 comment:

  1. You are very lucky to have escaped with just a bruised ego. Although I do know from personal experience that still can be plenty painful.

    ReplyDelete

Be nice, now.