Thursday, June 19, 2014

I Am Undateable – The Prequel, Part II

I hope you are enjoying these glimpses into my awkward dating history.  It’s entertaining to recount them, because they seem so long ago….and also kind of like they happened to someone else.  Oh, and I have no problem laughing at myself.  Now, on with the show.

Again, this was during the same eHarmony period of 2001.  With Lego Man in my past, I was optimistic about new possibilities.  I couldn’t see myself dating more than one guy at a time, seemed like too much work.  I did expand my search criteria from 20 miles to 50, just to open it up a bit.  eHarmony suggested I do that since my other must-haves were allegedly “limiting” my potential matches.  Geez, eHarmony, I’m sorry I want a guy who doesn’t spend his weekends binge-drinking and kicking puppies.
Undateable #2:

We’ll call this one “Sanitation Joe” because he was a garbage man.  He was very cute but outside of what I considered to be “my type”, but I was quickly learning that I really didn’t know what “my type” was.  He lived in Illinois, outside of Gurnee.  After the scripted communication was out of the way, we found that we had some things in common.  He was divorced and into video games, what a coincidence!  We decided to meet and he thought it sounded like fun to invite the boy and me to come and visit and he would treat us to Chuck E. Cheese.  I said that sounded great (of course all I had to do was mention Chuck and the boy was in).  I MapQuested his address and it was a date.

I shoved a bunch of change into the cup holder of my New Beetle and set off to brave the toll ways of I-94.  Following a poorly printed MapQuest while driving to an unfamiliar place without a confident navigator is not recommended.  But we made it and he invited us up into his apartment (again….was I so ignorant of the possibility of ending up handcuffed to a chair in his basement while he tried to teach my son the fine art of serial killing?) while he grabbed his keys so we could get going.  We got to Chuck E. Cheese, placed a pizza order, gave the boy a cup full of tokens and sent him off to play.  We found a table where I could always have my eyes on the boy and embarked on first-date chatter.  He was nice, even through good ole Chuck “forgetting” to make our pizza and the boy returning several times for a token re-load.  After we finally got our pizza, we ate and then left, heading back to his place.

He invited us back upstairs and we obliged.  He showed us his newest Xbox game, Manhunt, where you can kill your enemy using a plastic grocery bag (no red flag there).  Then he asked the boy if he wanted to try out his flight simulator on his computer, which was in another room, and after he showed him what to do, we went out into the kitchen to have a cigarette.  He shared a bit more about his divorce, telling me that his ex-wife had mental issues…blah, blah, blah.  I was feeling really comfortable, I kinda liked this guy.  So of course, I overshare.  Boy, did I scare him off!

It was time to leave and since it was dark, he did the gentlemanly thing and offered to drive to I-94 so I could follow in my car without getting lost.  He even asked me to give him a call once we got home, so he knew we made it home safely.  We got home, the boy went to sleep (he had a great time) and I called Sanitation Joe to let him know we were home and to thank him for a nice time.

After that, I waited a couple of days and having not heard from him, I gave him a call.  It was now my turn to reap what I sowed.  He never took another call from me.  I think I left him two or three messages, nothing creepy or stalkerish, just reaching out to say thanks again and see if he wanted to do out again.  I was clueless.  It’s only hindsight that, all these years later, I understand that my inappropriate oversharing ended any potential blossoming relationship between Sanitation Joe and me.  Hell, he had just gotten away from one psycho bitch, he wasn’t about to get into that s**t again!  Lesson learned….don’t disclose the really crazy stuff until after you’ve hooked them with sex.  Just kidding (kind of).
And that brings this chapter to a close.  Tune in next time for the conclusion of I Am Undateable – The Prequel, a Trilogy.

1 comment:

  1. Reading these makes me remember my own dating experiences....shudder.........thanks for the laughs :)


Be nice, now.