Saturday, June 7, 2014

I Am Undateable

Yes, I am undateble....and I feel just fine about it.  No, no one told me that I am not dateable.  I came to this understanding all on my own at approximately 7:53 PM last night.  Let me tell you a story....this is a true story....names and places have been changed to protect the awkward and still-dating.....

I have made it no secret that I've ventured into the world of online dating, most recently having joined Match last December.  It wasn't very fruitful yet I wouldn't call it a disaster.  About a month ago, I decided that I would not be renewing my membership at the end of the six months, even if they did offer their additional six months free per their guarantee.  I have struck up a friendship with a very nice man that I still chat with once or twice a week, most often over text message.  There were others, but the few that I had off-Match contact with via text have turned out to be people that I had no interest in getting to know let alone meet in person (except for my out-of-state friend, he's a cool guy).

I had all but forgotten about Match until I was cleaning out my email a few nights ago and came across an automated email from Match letting me know that I had a new message in my Match Inbox.  These emails include the profile picture of the dater (if they have one posted) and message they sent.  It was sent on May 30th, so about a week before I actually read it.  He was a pleasant looking man in his early 40's and his message was simple and friendly.  I took a chance and clicked the button to reply, not even knowing if my paid membership was still active.  It was, so I replied and said that if he was still interested, perhaps we could exchange numbers and get to know one another a bit.  He replied, giving me his number, name and an idea of when we is generally free, asking that I give him a call.  We'll call him "Guy", because he's a guy.

I sent Guy a text later that day, letting him know that I wouldn't be logging onto Match anymore but I received his message and wanted him to have my number, so he would know it was me calling later on.  He responded saying that he actually would be busy, he is on a bar sports league (ugh really?), and instead of calling later (this was a Thursday afternoon) to chat, maybe we could just meet for dinner tomorrow (Friday).  I was caught off guard, I hadn't even gotten a chance to get to know anything about him yet; I replied by asking what he had in mind.  He mentioned a couple of places in the area and, completely out of character, I agreed.  Full disclosure time.....because of some of the previous experiences I had with other shady characters from Match, I paid for a reverse cell search through Spokeo....and it worked, I was presented with his full name, age and last known address.  I was able to loosely confirm that he was who he was representing on Match, at least according to Spokeo and with State Circuit Court records website (no hits on Facebook or Twitter, that I could find...for him anyway).  Hey, no shame here, a girl's gotta have a safety-first attitude!  It was because of this that, even though it made me extremely anxious, I agreed to meet him for a first date.

We were meeting for dinner at 6pm on Friday at a place I'll call "Parraba's Mediterranean Grill".  He mentioned in out short text conversation that, if we were having a good time, maybe we could even go see a movie after dinner.  We agreed to meet outside the restaurant, because let's be honest, who wants to take the chance of being stood up when you're already seated.  He was punctual and arrived at 5:59 pm, as I was waiting on a bench outside the restaurant.  He looked just like his picture so, no surprises there.  After we awkwardly confirmed that he was Guy and I was me, he smiled, said it was nice to meet me and shook my hand.  I was surprised that we didn't have to wait for a table and as soon as we were seated, we scanned the menu over small, inconsequential talk and ordered when the waiter arrived to greet us.  With that out of the way, we were free to commence the process known as "getting to know each other".

From Match (and the circuit court site), I already knew that he was divorced and had a child.  We took turns telling each other what we do for a living and a bit about our backgrounds like where we graduated high school.  I asked about his child and he was forthcoming and gave me the first twinge of red-flaggedness when he spoke with malice in his eyes about his ex-wife.  I won't go into detail because that's their business and of little consequence to my story but I will say that used the words "financially raped" when describing the divorce settlement.  He asked me how long I'd been married and how long I'd been divorced and, despite everything Patti Stanger teaches her daters on Millionaire Matchmaker, I gave him the short and polite version of the story ending it with the fact that I now have a mutually polite co-parenting relationship with my ex, which gets easier as our boy ages into true adulthood.  We talked about what we enjoy doing for fun and I learned that he really enjoys to do things that I avoid like the plague, such as festivals, sporting events and playing team sports.  So, I was slowly finding out that perhaps we don't have much in common.  We discussed movies and I found out that he dislikes my favorite genre, possession and supernatural horror (can I get WHAT-WHAT for The Conjuring!?  I've watched the HELL outta that movie lately).  I told him that I also enjoy video games and he admitted that he hadn't played a video game since the days of Super Mario Bros.  Yeah, not really much in common at all.

At the close of dinner (he paid before I could even offer to contribute, I said a whole-hearted thank you), he enjoyed our time together enough to suggest that we go see a movie.  I said, "This is going to sound like an excuse, but, the dash lights in my car don't work, so I really would like to be home before dark."  This is true information.  He offered to follow me so I could drive my car home and then he would drive us to the movie theater.  Other than not having much in common, I didn't get any creeper vibes or danger flags from him, so I decided that would be ok and I agreed.  I dropped off my car, stashed my leftovers in the fridge and went out to get in his car; he was not invited into my house.  We decided to go to the "Bridge" Cinema in "Old Berlin" and see A Million Ways to Die in the West, with Seth MacFarlane (funny guy, Family Guy is adequately amusing but I loved Ted, of course Mark Wahlberg helped).  The parking lot was, of course, packed, but we found a spot and got out of the car.  We had to walk over a small grassy boulevard to get to the entrance and he reached his hand out as I stepped up and I thought it was just to give me support as I stepped over but he wanted to hold my hand (awkward).  We went in and again, he was already paying before I could even open my purse.  I thanked him again.  We arrived just in time to catch the last couple preview trailers (is it redundant to say "preview" trailers?)   Side note: As Above, So Below looks to be my kind of movie...added to the list.

We find a seat a few rows up and settle into the two seat on the aisle.  It was playing in one of the smaller rooms at that theater but the seats were quite comfortable.  By this time, it was probably about 7:40 pm and the movie began.  I was clutching my purse to my abdomen as I sat there watching the movie.  This served a dual purpose.  It kept my mind at ease that my purse and its contents were safe and it kept my hands occupied and out of reach while keeping my body in a comfortable yet "don't touch me" position.  About ten minutes into the movie, I discovered much to my dismay that we were sitting in a pair of seats that featured a middle arm rest that could flip up, so that's what he did....and scooched a bit closer to me (more awkward).  He then leaned over and whispered, "You know, you can put your purse down."  I replied, "But it's expensive."  I reluctantly placed my purse in the empty seat next to me but kept my left hand on it.

At approximately 7:53 pm, he put his left arm around me (even more awkward) and began rubbing my shoulder (is this really happening right now?).  I didn't want to be rude so I allowed it, keeping the rest of my body as far to the left of him as I could without hurting myself.  He would also occasionally take his right hand and rub my right shoulder (seriously? we just met a couple hours ago).  There were a couple of anxious moments where I was sure he was going in for a right boob grab, but if he was, he thought better of it and, thankfully, that never happened.  At two or three points during the first 45 minutes of this arm-around, shoulder-rubbing activity, he put his hand on my head and kind of "pet" my hair (huh?).  I gotta  tell ya', the first time his hand went to my head, I had a flash of panicked "Holy shit, is this guy going to try and push my head into his lap???" but fortunately for him and everyone in the theater, it was just a really awkward hair pet.  The theater was warm, I was getting sweaty and uncomfortable with this guy's arm around me and almost the worst thing in the world happened....he put his right hand on the side of face, turned my face toward him and kissed me - on the mouth.  I didn't allow that to happen a second time.  He got up to make a concession stand run about an hour into the movie and I was glad for the reprieve.  I scooted back to the far left in my seat and rested my head against the back of my seat.  He returned and initially seemed content to just hold my hand, but shortly thereafter, the arm/shoulder/hair pet business resumed (holy hell, how long is this f*n movie?).  There were no more attempts at kissing.

He drove me home and as he pulled up across the street from my house, I resisted the urge to open the door and roll out before the car came to a complete stop.  He put the car in park and I could feel him looking at me.  I unfastened my seat belt, turned to look in his direction and immediately started stammering thank you's for the dinner and movie.  I apparently thanked him so much in that 30 second time span that said I didn't need to keep thanking him.  He leaned in for a kiss, he ended up with a very quick peck on the lip and as he was gearing up to lean in for more, I turned and said, "Well, thanks again, I'm going to go in now.  I'll talk to you soon, thanks."  I don't know why I let him even plant that peck on me or why on Earth I babbled that I would "talk to him soon".  Probably out of the extreme feeling of awkwardness and uncomfortableness I was feeling.  I didn't look back but I'm pretty sure he drove off before I even got to my front sidewalk....and that was perfectly fine with me.  My hope is that he felt the lack of connection and just doesn't contact me again.  If he does, I will politely let him know that I just don't think we have enough in common and wish him well in his search for love.

So, here it is, the next day.  I'm glad I went because it was definitely an experience I needed...if only to confirm my suspicion that I don't really want to date.  THAT is why I'm undateable.  Because I don't want to be dateable.  In retrospect, I can't imagine feeling comfortable with that much physical contact on a first date with anyone.  Well, except maybe if it was a first date with Zac Efron.  Or Gillian Anderson.

Zac courtesy of and Gillian courtesy of
Thanks, interwebs!

No comments:

Post a Comment

Be nice, now.