Wednesday, December 30, 2015

The Only Failure is Not Trying (or some other inspirational crap)

At least this person is using their treadmill. (Image via)
Remember, that one time in October, when I was all fit to be fit, and signed up for a 5K? Yeah, well.... today is the Phoenix 5K Virtual Half-Marathon.  (Cue the gasps of unrequited expectations.)

I was stoked when I signed up for this race. The thought of participating in a half marathon, even a virtual one, was a challenge I felt ready to take on. It goes toward my future goals of participating in other events like the Color Run and the Dirty Girl Mud Run. I honestly had every intention of using the 9 weeks between signing up and race day to ramp up my endurance, C25K style, to enable me to actually get my ass up early, get on that m*f*n treadmill the morning of the Phoenix 5K, and walk that 3.1 miles to proudly earn that shiny, glittery red medal. And then I didn't. I just stopped. I got lazy. I lost my renewed ambition and motivation.

I ain't mad at myself because that doesn't serve any purpose. I could give myself that medal for keeping up with the daily litterbox cleaning, or staying out of debt this holiday season... but I won't. I'm going to keep that little medal in my desk drawer, patiently waiting the day that I actually do walk 3.1 consecutive miles on my treadmill. And, I know that the spirit of the Phoenix 5K (as documented in the event details and rules) was to provide motivation for the winter months, and the December 30th date was only a suggestion while each entrant is welcome to complete it whenever they choose... so there's still time.

At least the animals still benefit from the portion of my entrance fee that was donated to the ASPCA.

Thursday, December 3, 2015

Ho, Ho, Ho...What's on Your Christmas List This Year, Little Girl?

Ho, ho, holy shit! (Image via)
It's no secret among those who know me that I can be a generous person. When I'm in a good financial place, buying gifts for my loved ones is something I truly enjoy. It's also no secret that my penny-pinching/spendthrift balance is quite skewed. For example, I have no guilt or second thoughts about buying the best grain-free, organic food for my pets, nor do I feel frivolous spending $35 a week on Door to Door Organics produce delivery; however, I balk at turning the thermostat above 56°F in the winter, even if that means I have to purchase clothing for the dogs. I know, it really doesn't even out.

Anyway...if you have someone like me in your life and have been searching for that perfect gift and coming up empty, read on for stellar gift ideas for that fat, frugal, misanthropic forty year old single woman in your life. (Wow, that string of adjectives doesn't sound nearly as attractive as it did in my head.)


Image via
The Crazy Cat Lady Starter Pack

Every single woman of forty and beyond is obviously a potential crazy cat lady. Perhaps all they need is that little nudge over the edge into acceptance of their fate. You can provide that free-fall for them! Kittens are nice, but preferably a batch of six more more adult cats, none of which get along. This brings spice to the cat lady's life. Optional, but not necessary, you can include at least one cat that refuses to use the litter box. (Not pictured: four hundred boxes of lint rollers, lifetime supply of Nature's Miracle Just for Cats, the name and number of a therapist with abundant patience and a good sense of humor)





The "I've Given Up on Meeting my Soulmate" Shoe Collection

A shoe for every season, every occasion. And don't forget to include a nice variety of compression stockings, because those varicose veins can be a real son of a bitch sometimes.


All-Season "Loungers"

She'll want to be comfortable while binge-watching Melrose Place on Hulu. The variety of fabric weights and sleeve length kills two birds with one cat, the change of seasons and the change of her seasons. (Loud, tropical prints optional, but encouraged. See also: mumu, caftan, tent dress)








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The Wine of the Month Club

Blubbering through the final moments of Asses to Ashes (will Lexi ever find a man? are Peter and Amanda really dead?), she's going to need a full-bodied merlot to help get her through the daunting task of finding a new series to obsessively watch next. (Not pictured: economy size bottle of store-brand Ibuprofen) And speaking of what to watch...






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Party of Five: The Entire Series

When she just can't move on from the nineties, she'll find comfort in the trials, tribulations, and exploits of the Salingers. All six seasons are available on Amazon Instant. (See also: Felicity, Ally McBeal, Beverly Hills 90210, Dawson's Creek)











I hope you've enjoyed my satirical look into my own life. Alright, alright, so I don't drink...but a stereotype is a stereotype, you know? Oh, and it's all in fun, please do not send me a box of cats.
Happy Holidays, y'all!

Body Positivity and Self Love (or, Caution, Rant Ahead)


I've had it with the general notion that body positivity and self love are synonymous with people saying "everyone should be fat." HAD IT! Casually scrolling through my social media, as I often do, I see a post with a photograph of a heart (the actual organ, not the familial representation of love) marbled with viscous body fat. The caption read, "This is the heart of an obese person.. Remember folks, this is what happens when you get fat. Fat tissue builds up around the heart and clogs/chokes it. Fat is not beautiful, it is not to be glorified," and the original poster added, "Obesity is not beautiful, stop glorifying fat people."

I'VE FUCKING HAD IT!

Nothing like a little self-loathing to start your day, oh one-time friend who liked/shared that particular tidbit of shade and ugliness. Whether you're fat or not, most everyone has a friend or family member who is. Someone who you probably care deeply about. If that person has been able to arrive at a place where they can love themselves as they are, let them. If they post selfies and positive proclamations of loving who they are at this very moment in time - despite not fitting into the societal and media-driven ideals of what a human body should look like - why would you not want to support the hell out of that? You don't even have to like they way they look, or agree with their lifestyle. It's not about that! It's about supporting a fellow human's right to be happy in their own skin.

In all my activity within the online body love and self acceptance communities, it is truly rare to stumble upon a person who promotes their own body type and lifestyle choices in the "I am right, you are wrong" fashion. I've yet to read a non-satirical blog post or tweet that demands, "EVERYONE SHOULD BE *fill in the blank with a physically descriptive term*, IT'S SUPER AWESOME!" From my experience (personal and through reading other body positive blogs), fat people who have finally accepted themselves, and decided to stop hating the only body they will ever have (non-existentially speaking), have no agenda other than to be happy. Not to mention that body positivity and self love encompass so much more than the fat community...every level and nuance of the myriad shapes, sizes, colors, abilities, genders, sexualities..."body" and "self" have very little to do with your literal physical presence.

If I post a picture of myself wearing an outfit that doesn't hide my size, I am not "glorifying obesity;" I probably think I look super cute and wanted to share with you. On the flip side, if I share that I've been exercising or making healthy food choices, I am not condemning obesity or even promoting my behavior. Social media is called S-O-C-I-A-L media for a reason...for me, it sometimes becomes my digital journal. I'm not pushing my lifestyle on anyone. If you think my round-faced selfies are gross, un-follow me. If you're offended when I share a picture of or an article or blog post about a fat person doing regular human things without being shamed or humiliated, click "un-like." Because we probably have very little, if anything, in common.

Because I am enough. That means that I love myself and my body, and saying that does NOT mean that I think being fat is awesome or healthy, or that everyone should get fat. I can love myself in spite of (or because of) the choices that brought me to my current size and shape. And that is none of anyone's business but my own.