Thursday, December 3, 2015

Ho, Ho, Ho...What's on Your Christmas List This Year, Little Girl?

Ho, ho, holy shit! (Image via)
It's no secret among those who know me that I can be a generous person. When I'm in a good financial place, buying gifts for my loved ones is something I truly enjoy. It's also no secret that my penny-pinching/spendthrift balance is quite skewed. For example, I have no guilt or second thoughts about buying the best grain-free, organic food for my pets, nor do I feel frivolous spending $35 a week on Door to Door Organics produce delivery; however, I balk at turning the thermostat above 56°F in the winter, even if that means I have to purchase clothing for the dogs. I know, it really doesn't even out.

Anyway...if you have someone like me in your life and have been searching for that perfect gift and coming up empty, read on for stellar gift ideas for that fat, frugal, misanthropic forty year old single woman in your life. (Wow, that string of adjectives doesn't sound nearly as attractive as it did in my head.)

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The Crazy Cat Lady Starter Pack

Every single woman of forty and beyond is obviously a potential crazy cat lady. Perhaps all they need is that little nudge over the edge into acceptance of their fate. You can provide that free-fall for them! Kittens are nice, but preferably a batch of six more more adult cats, none of which get along. This brings spice to the cat lady's life. Optional, but not necessary, you can include at least one cat that refuses to use the litter box. (Not pictured: four hundred boxes of lint rollers, lifetime supply of Nature's Miracle Just for Cats, the name and number of a therapist with abundant patience and a good sense of humor)

The "I've Given Up on Meeting my Soulmate" Shoe Collection

A shoe for every season, every occasion. And don't forget to include a nice variety of compression stockings, because those varicose veins can be a real son of a bitch sometimes.

All-Season "Loungers"

She'll want to be comfortable while binge-watching Melrose Place on Hulu. The variety of fabric weights and sleeve length kills two birds with one cat, the change of seasons and the change of her seasons. (Loud, tropical prints optional, but encouraged. See also: mumu, caftan, tent dress)

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The Wine of the Month Club

Blubbering through the final moments of Asses to Ashes (will Lexi ever find a man? are Peter and Amanda really dead?), she's going to need a full-bodied merlot to help get her through the daunting task of finding a new series to obsessively watch next. (Not pictured: economy size bottle of store-brand Ibuprofen) And speaking of what to watch...

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Party of Five: The Entire Series

When she just can't move on from the nineties, she'll find comfort in the trials, tribulations, and exploits of the Salingers. All six seasons are available on Amazon Instant. (See also: Felicity, Ally McBeal, Beverly Hills 90210, Dawson's Creek)

I hope you've enjoyed my satirical look into my own life. Alright, alright, so I don't drink...but a stereotype is a stereotype, you know? Oh, and it's all in fun, please do not send me a box of cats.
Happy Holidays, y'all!

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