Wednesday, August 3, 2016

Yep, Still Undateable - It's Not Me, It's Them

It’s happened again. I returned to the circus of hellfire known as online dating. I know what you’re thinking. “I thought she said she was undateable?” You’re right. I did say that. Then I started thinking, “What if I’m not; what if I just wasn’t ready?” Now, I wasn’t confident enough in my desire for a relationship to actually pay for a membership to an online dating site. So I Googled “top free online dating sites,” and determined that OKCupid was the least of the evils. So, I joined.

Before I could even save the first rough draft of my profile, I was receiving direct messages from men. Men in New York. Men in California. Men in the UK. A successful physician in Germany, who wanted me to move there and witness his altruistic marvel as he opened his very own private hospital… love knows not of distance, he said.

I opened Notepad and scrawled a quick response for copying and pasting purposes so I could more easily keep up with these messages as I tried to complete my profile. “Thank you for the nice message. I see you’re in [state/country], and I’m all the way in Wisconsin. Unfortunately, I am looking for someone nearby. Best of luck in your online search for love.”

I ended up messaging with four men, all within a reasonably commutable distance from where I live. One was ruled out shortly into our conversation when he let me know that he is a military man currently deployed overseas. Now, to clarify, I have nothing in my “rules” against the possibility of getting to know someone in the military. However, I learned through a quick and dirty Google lesson on “How not to get Catfished,” that portraying themselves as a “military man” who is from the USA but “currently out of the country” is one of the top catfishing tactics. Goodbye, “Shawn.”

The second downed duck in the lineup was “Mike,” who thought it important to let me know early on that we were the same height. I can only surmise that he thought this was the cutest and most benign method of telling me that he was short (I am 5’4” tall). No issue for me; it says right in my profile-in-progress that I make a concerted effort to see beyond physical appearance, believing there is so much more to someone than what they look like. When I responded in a neutral fashion to his height disclosure, his follow up was to tell me that he is “...currently 225, but hoping to get down to 180.” At this point, I realize that he probably hadn’t been keeping up with the iterations of my profile. I proclaimed how difficult dieting is, and cited that as the reason why I gave it up and am learning to love myself as I am. Relief seemed to wash over him as he responded, “So you would want to get to know me even though I’m big? I usually get the whole ‘I’m not into big guys’ thing?” I told him that I am looking to get to know the person, not what they look like. This afforded him the comfort level to ask me what I thought of fetishes, particularly a foot fetish. My response of, “Oh, I suppose there are worse things to be turned on by,” furthered his comfort zone to ask me if I would let him suck on my toes. When I answered, “No, not my thing,” he decided that we were not sexually compatible. I left him with, “You’re probably right, good luck in your online search for love.”

Next to cross off the list is “Bert,” a quirky younger gent from neighboring Illinois. The conversation was light and friendly, and his plethora of 80’s pop culture references were entertaining. Until he made a reference that sailed right over my head. He confessed that he had been recently kicked out of a local social group because the leader deemed him “too weird and potentially dangerous.” I LOL’d and said, “That wasn’t very social of them; geesh, some people’s children.” His reply, a simple female name that seemed it might be yet another silly movie or TV reference, stumped me. After a quick Google search, I has to sheepishly admit that I wasn’t getting the reference. “That’s her name. The leader of the group. She had it out for me from Day 1. Always remember their names.” Goodbye, “Bert.”
That leaves us with the final contestant on “Why did I do this again?” This one is special; and deserves a story all to himself. Stay tuned for the next episode.

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1 comment:

  1. I tried online dating. After a bit of exploring, and several awkward meetings, I dropped out of that scene. Back to the town tavern where my father used to hang out after work for a few beers. Happily, I met my husband there. I'm a fan of shopping local. He has a BFA and he actually read the dictionary. Yeah, the whole dictionary, cover to cover. How can you not love that?


Be nice, now.