Monday, May 22, 2017

Aggressively Dating: A Fat Girl Navigating the Singles Scene

Y’all know I’ve dabbled in online dating from time to time (ahem…. see The Undateable Series). Upon returning thoughts of putting myself back out there yet again, I’ve sought the opinions and advice of my friends. My tattoo artist thinks that online dating is a bullshit waste of time, and that’s it better to just go hang out in a public space and let things happen naturally. Yeah, easy for you to say, my friend; I’m an introvert! Hanging out amongst the people at large is emotionally draining and makes me want to crawl under a blanket to recover. So, I’m a few months into my inevitable return to the sketchy scene of online dating and, this time, I’m learning a metric shit-ton in the process. Through what I’ve come to lovingly refer to as “Aggressively Dating,” I’m learning what I want, what I’m not interested in, that I actually do have “a type,” and that there are some things that are fun once but really aren’t sustainable long term.

What do I want outta this shit show?

When I reactivated my profile on OKCupid, it was with the explicit intent of seeking a long term relationship. I’ve been essentially single for over a decade and, since the boy has moved out and I’m finally living alone for the first time in my life, I figured the logical thing to do was to pursue a romantic relationship. So, I met a handful of guys, had a first date or two, and promptly started to reevaluate what I wanted. Like, I value my alone time. When I began to think about the natural progression of becoming involved with someone, discomfort set in at the idea of sharing my space with another person. Disagreements about what to watch on Netflix, irritation that I’ve just spent 9 hours playing Dragon Age Inquisition on my Xbox One, gripes because the interior of the refrigerator resembles that of Edward Norton’s fridge in Fight Club. Who needs that shit? So, I tweaked my profile, shifted my perspective, and adjusted my expectations.

The inbox influx…

After those changes were made and my re-vamped profile went live, there was an abrupt increase in the number of messages in my OKC inbox. Younger, hotter guys were hitting me up, and that was exciting. (On a side note, my good friend and confidante gave me dating parameters that she calls “The Rule of Seven,” so I have a minimum age that I am allowed to consider. That age is 28. I trust her, so I stick to that. Thanks, girl!) A good percentage of the messages immediately found their way to the trash. Being on the receiving end of, “I’m interested in eating a girl out for 2 straight hours with nothing in return. Interested?” was comical, at best. I started responding to more messages, and sending initial messages of my own. I grew bold in my newfound outlook on dating. I decided that, although I wasn’t opposed to finding myself in a relationship at some point, I was ready to concentrate on having some fun in the interim. You know, see what’s out there. Besides, how awful would it be to date someone for a finite duration only to find out that the sexual chemistry falls flat? Let’s take some test drives!

My libido – an analogy

Let’s say that, for a long time in your younger days, you really enjoyed cake. I mean, cake was great; you always felt satisfied after cake and generally looked forward to more. Then, the cake started to get stale and, eventually, you realized that cake was no longer meeting your needs. In fact, it was kind of making you sick. So you give up cake – cold turkey – and it wasn’t so bad. You abstained from all cake for a year, then two years, and before you knew it, you had gone a really long time without any cake. Of course, over the years, you’d see an occasional slice and get a pang of desire, but you fought through the craving and resisted. Until, one day, you indulge. And it was like fireworks and rainbows and unicorns and glitter bombs all rolled into one. All at once, you remember how much you fucking love cake.

Now what the hell am I doing with my life?

That is a question I've come to ask myself a lot lately. I’ve returned to my roots as a full-on cake aficionado. My reservations have lowered and I have become a person that I forgot I had once been. Don’t get me wrong – safety first… generally. I do my research, verifying the facts that are available to me, before agreeing to meet someone (remember my new friend, Tony). I make a concerted effort to ensure my physical well-being as best as I can. I’m not gonna lie… I’ve taken some risks and done some things that gave me a moment of pause afterward. You ever have a first date that evolves into hot sex on your living room floor only to find yourself, shortly thereafter, sitting on your couch next to a naked guy who’s going on and on – for 45 minutes – about how often he thinks about his ex-girlfriend of two years ago? Yeah, well, I have. I don’t recommend it. Despite everything, thus far, I have no regrets.

Lessons learned

  • One night stands are fun, once in a while, provided both parties are on the same page.
  • I have no desire to be someone’s recurring booty call or last resort.
  • “Friends with Benefits” sounds awesome but seems nearly impossible to execute.
  • I am allowed to have preferences, rules, and standards; I do not need to make compromises or “settle.”
  • There is no shortage of dudes who prefer a fat chick (although they do prefer to use cutesy euphemisms such as voluptuous, curvy, and thick).
  • Guys will go to great lengths to try to get you to send them pics of your tits, ass, and lady bits.
  • Sexting can be entertaining, but gets boring when it becomes apparent that that’s all he’s bringing to the table.
  • Aggressively dating means that I clean my house more often.
  • Sometimes, I make bad decisions (but I learn from them).
  • I still got it.

Now what?

Really….. I’m still figuring it out. Yes, I love cake *but* enjoying cake from four different bakers over the course of two weeks is, frankly, a bit exhausting. I’m trying to rein it in and shift my perspective once again. I’d like to find that medium ground that allows me to have my cake (preferably just from one baker) and figure out if we want more from there. So, my quest continues even though that means that I’m keeping the sleep/wake schedule of someone half my age, I find myself rolling my eyes and sighing heavily quite often, and threaten to deactivate my OKC profile at least a few times a week. Wish me luck!

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1 comment:

  1. Even though I'm your mother I enjoyed reading all your exploits into the world of dating and remember each one since you already told me about them as they played out. You are an extremely talented writer and most likely could be published (would you need an agent?) I actually missed lunch reading everything and you know I never miss a meal. I love your sense of humor and I laughed out loud as I read all your experiences. You are "a catch". I am proud to have given birth to you.


Be nice, now.